Posted by Gail-Elaine on 08/23/2011 at 12:14 PM

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.”- Hermann Hesse

We teach our children to say, “I’m sorry” when they are wrong and “to forgive” playmates for their slights and oversights. This is our earliest introduction to forgiveness. However sometimes life, only steps beyond the playground, leads to a world where forgiveness comes into question. Forgiveness is a concept to stump the most stalwart of theologians and philosophers.

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'. 

Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, forgiveness may be granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe able to forgive. [Wikipedia]

As a society we are fascinated by the inspirational stories of victims and relatives who forgive abusers, murderers, and even war criminals. We cite Gandhi, Mandela, King, Parks, ten Boom, as examples of modern grace in peacefulness and forgiveness.  Gandhi wrote, “An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind,” and Dr. King was quoted, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” These words of noble men and women have inspired us greatly; however, it is also the acts of the humble people in the world which can teach us as much about forgiveness than religion, psychology, or the great acts of history put together. Let’s take a brief look at a few:

“I wish them to let go of the hatred they have.” –Immaculee Ilibagiza

First let me tell you a remarkable story out of Rwanda via CNN 3/11 concerning a woman named Immaculee Ilibagiza a survivor of the 1994 genocide between of Tutsi by Hutu in Rwanda and surrounding areas, which massacred an estimated 800,000 people. In April 1994, she spent 91 days hiding in a tiny bathroom of a minster with seven other women only to emerge and learn her family was brutally killed. Now in New York, Ilibagiza has penned her story in order to spread her incredible message of forgiveness. So far, she’s published four books, including The New York Times bestseller “Live to Tell,” in which she narrates her incredible personal story. Here is a special excerpt of the CNN interview:

CNN: When you left the bathroom, you learned that your entire family except for one brother had been killed.

II: I just broke down and cried and cried. I fell down, no, it can’t be.

I cried for like five minutes and all of a sudden, it was almost like this string pulled me back from the ground — you still have a long way to go, get up. You don’t have the time to cry now. And it was true.

CNN: And you’ve forgiven the killers?

II: I went through a moment in the bathroom where I thought if I came out, I was going to kill people. I had a plan. I was going to be a soldier, I never thought there was another way out.

And then I’m like, OK OK, I pray again. Only in the time I prayed, I had calmness in my body, peace.

CNN: And you forgave them all?

II: I did. It’s not that I want to go and just hug them. My forgiveness was truly that I wish them good. I mean what good can you receive in this world? The good is happiness, is joy. And that can only come from a peaceful heart.

So I wish them more than anything to regret the wrong they have done. I wish them to let go of the hatred they have.

In 4/22/11 article for BBC News entitled ‘Can Forgiveness Ever be Easy,’ Alex Hudson featured the brother of murdered 16-year-old schoolgirl Agnes Sina-Inakoju who recently said he would be prepared to forgive her killers."If they can forgive themselves for what they have done I would forgive them," said Agnes's older brother, Abiola Inakoju, after the conviction of two men for her murder. Agnes was fatally wounded at a takeaway shop in Hackney, London in April 2010, and an innocent victim of gang violence. But forgiveness is a complicated and emotive issue. Despite saying he could forgive them, Inakoju also said he would not be able to talk to the killers. Agnes Sina-Inakoju's brother says he can forgive her killers "Talking is about having a civilized conversation - you exchange words which are meaningful," he said. "We would not be able to talk, we would shout."Hudson asks, “So what does true forgiveness really mean? And how can it be achieved?”

The concept and benefits of forgiveness have been explored through the prism of religious thought, the social sciences, and medicine. Initially forgiveness was a religious topic, not deemed scientific. This has changed only recently.

Forgiveness plays a major part in many world religions; for example:

• In Christianity, with the New Testament peppered with references to it. On Good Friday, the Bible says Jesus Christ said "forgive them Father for they know not what they do" as he was on the cross. 
• In Islam, the Hadiths show Muhammad forgiving those who abused him.
• In Judaism, forgiveness must be given to genuinely repentant offenders. 
• Prayaschittha in Hinduism equates to penance.

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness; however, no one finds this task easy. Even in the case of the Roman Catholic confession where sin is absolved, the forgiveness between individuals remains a personal challenge of faith. Some religions place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and divine forgiveness.

If one Googles the term forgiveness, a majority of the entries are religious in nature. It is as if there is an attempt by ‘religion’ to take back the idea of forgiveness from science – or perhaps I am only imagining this. After all, whether one forgives another as coached by secular means or as an act of religious faith, it remains a courageous, beneficial, pure act to better the individual and all the people who touch that person. 

Prior to the 1980s, forgiveness was entirely in the realm of the church. It is said that Freud only mentioned forgiveness three times in his collected works.  So, let’s speed through the early scientific void to Dr. Robert Enright from the Univeristy of Wisconsin who founded the International Forgiveness Institute and is considered the initiator of forgiveness studies. He developed a 20-Step Process Model of Forgiveness. Twenty-six years ago, when Enright first got interested in forgiveness, his colleagues thought he'd lost his mind. "They said, 'How can a scientist study something so fluffy?'" he recalls. Enright, who's now a professor of educational psychology, takes something of a philosophical approach to his subject. He sees forgiveness as a moral imperative first (turn the other cheek because it's the right thing to do) and a practical matter second (and, oh yes, doing so will probably make your life better). "The decision to forgive touches you to your very core, to who you are as a human being," he says. "It involves your sense of self-esteem, your personal worth, the worth of the person who's hurt you and your relationship with that person and the larger world." His studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. The first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems. Another study at the University of Wisconsin found the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. The less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.

The research of Dr. Frederic Luskin of Stanford University shows that forgiveness can be learned. Dr. Luskin's work is based on seven major research projects into the effects of forgiveness, giving empirical validity to the concept that forgiveness is not only powerful, but also excellent for your health.  Luskin, author of the book "Learning to Forgive," was presented with a Champion of Forgiveness award by the Forgiveness Alliance for his groundbreaking work with forgiveness, reconciliation, and peace.

In three separate studies, including one with Catholics and Protestants from Northern Ireland whose family members were murdered in the political violence, Luskin found that people who are taught how to forgive become less angry, feel less hurt, are more optimistic, become more forgiving in a variety of situations, and become more compassionate and self-confident. His studies show a reduction in experience of stress, physical manifestations of stress, and an increase in vitality. 

Harriet Brown of O Magazine (5/11) met with Luskin and described his NY workshop. Luskin tells us that despite what we may have heard about forgiveness there are really only two steps in the process: grieving and letting go. Grieving, after you have been wronged, means letting yourself feel the anger, hurt, and trauma in all its original pain—but not indefinitely. After about two years, most people have had plenty of time to process, then they're ready to move on. Hanging on to resentment and rage—is tantamount to having an existential tantrum, according to Luskin. "We think the world owes us. There's no such thing as fair. The guy who loses a parking space to a more aggressive driver thinks, "I want that parking space." A mother whose child has been murdered thinks, "I want my child to be alive." Either way, that's sometimes just not how it works." How can anyone compare losing a parking space to losing a child? "It's better not to get caught up in content," Luskin says. By content he means each person's individual story, the source of her anger or hurt. No matter what the offense, he continues, the process of forgiveness is the same: You let go of anger and hurt by being mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness. Admittedly, "Forgiveness concepts are simple," he says. "It's the execution that's hard."

Researchers are now using functional magnetic resonance imaging to see if the answer lies within the brain. A team at the University of Pisa in Italy asked people to imagine forgiving someone and then observed changes in cerebral blood flow, which signaled the parts of the brain that became more active. They found that several regions "lit up," especially areas that regulate emotional responses, moral judgments, perceptions of physical pain, and decision making. By creating this kind of neural map, researchers hope to learn more about how forgiveness works on both a physical and a psychological level.

Haven’t we all seen lack of forgiveness on the physical level? When we picture angry, enraged, bitter, sore, beaten people who are suffering from lack of forgiveness – giving or receiving; can we intuit the kinds of medical conditions they suffer? Depression, headaches, addiction, heart issues, teeth grinding, chronic pain, fatigue, accidents, blood pressure problems, ….for a start. 

Harriet Brown also spoke with Kathleen Lawler-Row, PhD, a psychology professor at East Carolina University, one of several researchers exploring the relationship between forgiveness and health. She thinks the effects of forgiveness go beyond lowering blood pressure and improving sleep. Once you forgive someone for something very painful, "you never experience life the same way again," she says. "You're more flexible, less black-and-white in your expectations of how life or other people will be. If there's one thing that characterizes people who have experienced forgiveness, it's that kind of larger perspective: I can't predict what life will hand me, but I'm going to respond to it in this way." Like Luskin, Enright, and others, Lawler-Row believes that forgiveness is at heart a choice, one that any of us can make at any time, no matter the ‘content’ we're wrestling with. How do we do it? Maybe the choice depends in part on how we define the idea. Forgiveness doesn't mean rationalizing or condoning abuse. And forgiveness doesn't mean a sudden case of amnesia.

Personally and professionally I have drawn great insight from Austrian Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor, psychiatrist, teacher, author of Man’s Search for Meaning (1959) as well as other books, and Logotherapy. The focus of Logotherapy is on the meaning of the human experience and man’s search for its meaning was revolutionary at its time. Instead of Freud’s popular “drives theories,” Frankl saw that the human being had the power to live for his values and meaning.

Frankl had the ultimate credibility, having witnessed the best and worst of humanity in Auschwitz. Post-war he addressed an “existential void,” not as a mental illness, but a spiritual malady in which existence seems to be totally devoid of meaning. In this state, a person does not attribute any value to anything he has done and no longer nourishes any hope of doing anything of value to himself in the future. Remarkably, Frankl was a living example of forgiveness theory years before it was studied. He testified at the trial of a SS officer and afterward corresponded and comforted him and his family. He recognized it as a component in leading a full life.

Another forgiveness system I find inspirational is the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, a topic which could become another paper. I mention it here because if one is seeking guidance in matters of forgiveness, this is a wonderful resource, no matter what the issue. One need not be an alcoholic or addict to utilize these principles for a better life.

In conclusion, we’ve defined forgiveness in every aspect, examined several amazing examples of forgiveness, discussed the roles of religion and psychology, and touched upon some of the health risks and benefits to forgiveness (or lack thereof). Science is mapping the power that we feel in forgiveness, so even the doubters can embrace it. Every forgiveness makes the world a better place.

We have learned that forgiveness is not about pretending you don't feel angry or hurt. It's about responding out of kindness rather than rage.  It is about freeing yourself from a cycle of pain in honor of the great wrong which was suffered. You allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions—grief, anger, and hurt, also empathy, compassion, and gratitude. Sure, justice and revenge might be tempting, but they aren’t always in our grasp. Even so, forgiveness needs to happen. There is no need to be hurt daily to be a forgiveness martyr, make yourself safe – keep the public safe, then forgive, and get living. 

References Below

If you or someone you love is struggling with the concept of forgiveness, Gail-Elaine Tinker, M.S., Psychotherapist, located in Lehigh Valley, PA is available. Her general practice of humanistic psychotherapy, internet counseling, life coaching, and reiki with specialty in grief, chronic pain, trauma and addiction welcomes insights into the forgiveness process. Feel free to explore www.tinkerpsychotherapy.com for more information or call 610-216-4319 directly to set an appointment.

References:

• March 8, 2011, CNN/phoenixtreeproductions, Rwandan Genocide Survivor Teaches Forgiveness, Isha Sesay and Amanda Sealy

• April 22,2011, BBC News, Can forgiveness ever be easy, Alex Hudson 

• May 2011, O, The Oprah Magazine How To Forgive Anyone, Harriet Brown

• August 15, 2011, Tell Me More goes "Behind Closed Door, Domestic Violence Victims Turn Toward Faith, Amy Ta  

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